I wrote the following a year ago today. It’s amazing how far things have come. Not everything is better. As I said in a previous post, it is a daily struggle to get out of bed. If I can make it out of bed, the rest of the day is gravy. But, things got better. And they will continue to do so.
as i look around at the influences in my life, they are all positive. every one of these outside forces are impacting the world, either in a grand scale or just in the fact that they are here & that’s enough. i realize the negativity in my life is something from within. something i’ve not wanted to admit for years. yet, here i am, 29 & i have not done one thing i dreamed of when i was younger. shortly put: i’m not the man i envisioned. i do not feel like a man. i feel inferior for reasons previously unknown, or maybe, known, but buried. i used to take care of my body, my finances, my friends, my family. however, i am no longer in control of anything. my finances are a mess. my body is at it’s lowest it’s ever been. my friends & family have had to take care of me. i have fought back from bankruptcy, repossession, foreclosure, homelessness & joblessness. i’m inferior at best. perfect waste of a man. so, here i sit the week before my 30th birthday, lost & broken. struggling daily with depression, anxiety & self esteem. i remember something an ex said to me: you will never be happy. you will always want more. i think this is an accurate assumption. in every relationship, i’ve become someone other than who i am. the most recent breakup was exceptionally cruel & continue to combat the fallout 6 months later while he is moved on with the person he met while we were together. i fought tooth & nail for him. to a point that one of my best friends & i yelled at each other for two hours on a busy sidewalk downtown. and the bastard proved me wrong. twice. looking back, my friend was right, about it all. i was being controlled on a leash. and what’s worse, i allowed it because i was looking for something to complete me. so i shape-shifted to become someone else, again. only now, after years of dating & getting it wrong, do i see that i have no energy to give to something i don’t feel will be beneficial in the long run – professionally, romantically or personally. i did start to invest in myself last year. and while i thought i was happy (i see now i wasn’t) that was the best decision i’ve ever made. maybe i’m ‘that’ guy that will forever be alone. that friend that will always be the 3rd or 5th wheel. the one that never has a +1. i’d like to believe i’m okay with this. as long as i can prove to myself that i am a good person, that’s all i’d like to think i’ll need. i asked my mom last summer after he dumped me the 1st time how she made it before dad came along. i asked her where her strength came from, wondering if it was something i should’ve inherited but missed the boat on. she said many times she wondered the same. that’s when she turned to god. leaned on her family. she was & is a brave woman. to raise a baby she never wanted to keep, that wasn’t planned, on her own. i had food on the table every night & bed to sleep in. i can’t even do that by myself. dad came along & he helped distribute her load. i asked her once if she was happy. and with a calm look in her eye, she replied ‘yes.’ i would look at my cousins & remember feeling very angry. angry that they had parents that were still together & angry that they had siblings. not step, but real blood siblings. the kind with link. i do not come from a broken home. i come from a home that was being built instead of having it already built by the time i got there. i’ve wondered many times whether my mom did the right thing, not giving me up or having an abortion. i struggle almost daily with this crossing my mind. knowing, technically, i was not a blessing, but a scarlet letter. knowing that i haven’t yet fulfilled my destiny. i can’t imagine i’ve made her, dad, papa, gramma, or anyone proud no matter what they say. 30 years old and i’m no closer to knowing what god has in his plan for me. my picture of the man i need to be is not what i am. and i have no idea what to do to even start that process. maybe reinvesting in my own needs? ignoring the needs of others? bowing to the needs of others? is there a happy medium? i have more questions now than i did when i was 18. apparently i did think i knew it all. i had my life planned out. i would graduate, work for the local ‘goto’ place in harrison. marry a cute girl & have a family. god had something different. he knew i’d realize that soon but he neglected to tell me what to do once he got me to accept how he made me. i’ve managed to surround myself with such love. such support. such passion. yet, i’ve fallen short when it comes to having this love, support & passion within me. everyone around me has a passion. something that drives them. i do not. i can’t even get enough motivation to get out of bed & present a functioning member of society. i’ve contemplated suicide on several occasions. twice, i’ve come severely close. i remember one night, i was going to do it. i had written letters explaining things etc. and as i was driving to the location where i would ‘free’ myself, i got a text from a once-upon-a-time boyfriend. the text said ‘hi.’ and as our conversations always go, it lasted several hours & into the hazy hours of morning and i realized the sun was coming up. this was something i had not planned on seeing.
and time, as it tends to do, marched on. it shouldn’t. when someone who allows you to believe in ‘ever after’ says ‘i never loved you.’ time should stop. immediately. like a bullet to the heart. but it doesn’t. and now i realize i do not need someone or something to complete me. what would be nice to have is someone or something that balances me out. to highlight my strengths & strengthen my weaknesses. and now? how do i become the thing i envision? factus est homo, ut supra? is it possible to succeed your dreams in life? how do you know that what is really calling in your soul is what you should pursue? where do you even begin? is this something that will just be an ‘aha’ moment? the metaphorical light bulb. where’s this switch? i’ve chased the wrong dreams for so long i no longer know whats real.
my heart is still beating. i have breath. this indicates a purpose. pray tell, this purpose. i had hoped getting this out would be enough. so i could quantify, if you will, whats in my head. i expected to see the answer between the letters. some inkling on what i should tackle first. it all seems so daunting. and when the thoughts in my head are screaming so loud that i just want to scream (which is often), where do i go? when it feels like i have fire in my brain & it burns & sears (literally) but no matter what i do, i can’t quiet them. how do i stop wasting my seconds & claim my destiny?