All of a Sudden

I’ve been on such a high the past few days. I’m off work for a week, so the chances of a mishap that impacts thousands again, are nil. I’m back in the gym. I spent my birthday with some of my family. All in all this week has been pretty spectacular. All of a sudden, I miss you. I miss your hugs, your smiles, the way you light up when you start talking about one of the many things you’re passionate about. Truth be told, I’d been missing the thought of you for a long time. This is the first time I’m missing you. I’ve made the decision to not date or pursue any physical intimacy with anyone for the foreseeable future to get my head on straight & to finally understand that I am enough. I don’t know if it’s my birthday or because Valentines Day is coming or if it’s because I’m doing things lately that I know you would love or if I just need you to tell me everything is going to be ok. But. All of a sudden, I miss you. There’s really not much else to say. I’m not sad or mad or anything that one would attribute to missing an ex. I’m thinking of you in fondness. With a smile on my face. Yes, there are tears but I think that comes with remembering everything & wishing you were here to hold my hand. After we broke up, I deleted every trace of you from my life – digital & otherwise. However, recently, I discovered all of the pictures & texts were saved in some secret folder on my computer. And there you were. Your smile. Those eyes. And everything that’s behind them. And here I am. Jagger snoring next to me while I feel as though my chest will implode. From nostalgia or longing, I’ve no clue. Everything in my bones tells me this tragic love story isn’t complete. Given the chance, I don’t know if I’d try to see if we missed our chance. I also don’t know what the future holds. What I do know, at this very moment, is that it’s taking all I have to call you, just to hear your voice. We had been texting back & forth because there was a topic I knew you’d enjoy based on your extra curricular interests. During the texting, you called. And I just sat there listening to the tones of your voice. How it went up & down & how you used your words to describe, in detail, everything in your mind. It was beyond comforting & cathartic. That was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks, after that phone call. I miss you. I have nothing else to say. Just…..that.

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