What. The. Fuck. 

You know? Becoming an adult was something that was supposed to be a gradual experience. I never thought it was gonna smack me up side the head & say “Hey! HEY! Wake up dumbass. You had your twenties to fuck up. You’re 31. You’re a GROWN MAN. Start acting like it.”

I hate responsibility. So much so that opening my mail gives me anxiety. So I usually toss everything until I get a voicemail (which I won’t listen to) then the repetitive phone calls from the same number & no voicemails. That’s when I know it’s time to just call & pay. 

I recently attempted to join the military. It’s always been something I wanted to do. It was the one thing that was mine. The one thing that no one knew about me. And only a handful know I tried. I was turned down because I have a tattoo on my hand. A stupid impulse. Now I can’t fulfill my dream. I was gonna surprise everyone by fulfilling my dream & joining the military to be a part of something amazing. My dad wouldn’t be embarrassed. My mom wouldn’t feel hopeless. My grandparents would quit looking at me with ‘that’ look in their eyes. Honestly, I could get the tattoo removed but because of the afore mentioned lack of responsibility, I can’t afford it. 

I took myself off the dating grid. No more online dating profiles. No more hookup apps. Then. All this buried crap started coming to the surface. All this ‘grown up’ responsibility & pursuit of fulfillment. I was perfectly fine charging headlong into oblivion. And while this has added an immense level self loathing & self doubt, it’s also incredibly liberating. I may be behind my peers by 5 years or so, but I’m finally starting to unravel my past & be myself. 

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All of a Sudden

I’ve been on such a high the past few days. I’m off work for a week, so the chances of a mishap that impacts thousands again, are nil. I’m back in the gym. I spent my birthday with some of my family. All in all this week has been pretty spectacular. All of a sudden, I miss you. I miss your hugs, your smiles, the way you light up when you start talking about one of the many things you’re passionate about. Truth be told, I’d been missing the thought of you for a long time. This is the first time I’m missing you. I’ve made the decision to not date or pursue any physical intimacy with anyone for the foreseeable future to get my head on straight & to finally understand that I am enough. I don’t know if it’s my birthday or because Valentines Day is coming or if it’s because I’m doing things lately that I know you would love or if I just need you to tell me everything is going to be ok. But. All of a sudden, I miss you. There’s really not much else to say. I’m not sad or mad or anything that one would attribute to missing an ex. I’m thinking of you in fondness. With a smile on my face. Yes, there are tears but I think that comes with remembering everything & wishing you were here to hold my hand. After we broke up, I deleted every trace of you from my life – digital & otherwise. However, recently, I discovered all of the pictures & texts were saved in some secret folder on my computer. And there you were. Your smile. Those eyes. And everything that’s behind them. And here I am. Jagger snoring next to me while I feel as though my chest will implode. From nostalgia or longing, I’ve no clue. Everything in my bones tells me this tragic love story isn’t complete. Given the chance, I don’t know if I’d try to see if we missed our chance. I also don’t know what the future holds. What I do know, at this very moment, is that it’s taking all I have to call you, just to hear your voice. We had been texting back & forth because there was a topic I knew you’d enjoy based on your extra curricular interests. During the texting, you called. And I just sat there listening to the tones of your voice. How it went up & down & how you used your words to describe, in detail, everything in your mind. It was beyond comforting & cathartic. That was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks, after that phone call. I miss you. I have nothing else to say. Just…..that.

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Setting Realistic Goals

The word ‘transformation’ is daunting to me. I set the goals and I map out a plan but my follow thru is crap. I know if I stick with whatever, over time I will succeed but my the end result is too far away for my brain to comprehend the possibility. I’ve decided to start getting thru each day. Setting a goal to do what I need to do, just for the day. Like eating right & exercising. If I just say “this is what I will do today to get that ass I’ve always wanted” I know I can do that. This gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day and after time the results will show. If I don’t do this, I feel like whatever I’ve done for the day wasn’t enough and I’ve failed. That feeling is one that will stop the best of intentions right in their tracks. This being said, I’ve been struggling with the motivation to go balls to the wall at the gym & at work. I don’t feel like I do my best every day. At the gym, I see all these guys with their buddies and I lose focus and lose my mojo. At work, I lazily rely on my team as they are usually 12 steps ahead of me anyway. I’m new on the team so I feel I should be able to see what’s needed and have a fresh outlook on everything. But I don’t feel like I contribute. So, since I can see these areas of opportunity, I should be able to take each day as a new chance to utilize all my resources and be the best me I can be.

Another area of concern is my pursuit of physical connections. I’ve been tossing the idea around to take a year off of all dating & sexual encounters. Get back to me. Make a better version to present.

What are things y’all do for daily motivation to meet your goals? What do you think of my idea of taking a year off dating n such? I’d like to hear some ideas of what works for y’all.

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Supplement Questions

Alright, yeehaws! I have finally started taking my health & fitness goals seriously. That being said, my kitchen counter is full of supplements, vitamins & the like. I follow several fitness buffs on the Facebook & bodybuilding.com for motivation and tips. It’s been 10 years since I’ve been in the gym. Supplements have come a long way, I’m sure. All this being said, I need advice on what pre-workout to take. I used to be all about the No-Xplod (or whatever it was called). That was some nasty shit & I want something that will boost my workouts when I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. I’m not a morning person, like at all. So morning workouts are out of the question. Pre-workouts. And any other supplements that you’ve had success with. Let me know!

It’s almost my birthday!

I wrote the following a year ago today. It’s amazing how far things have come. Not everything is better. As I said in a previous post, it is a daily struggle to get out of bed. If I can make it out of bed, the rest of the day is gravy. But, things got better. And they will continue to do so.

 

as i look around at the influences in my life, they are all positive. every one of these outside forces are impacting the world, either in a grand scale or just in the fact that they are here & that’s enough. i realize the negativity in my life is something from within. something i’ve not wanted to admit for years. yet, here i am, 29 & i have not done one thing i dreamed of when i was younger. shortly put: i’m not the man i envisioned. i do not feel like a man. i feel inferior for reasons previously unknown, or maybe, known, but buried. i used to take care of my body, my finances, my friends, my family. however, i am no longer in control of anything. my finances are a mess. my body is at it’s lowest it’s ever been. my friends & family have had to take care of me. i have fought back from bankruptcy, repossession, foreclosure, homelessness & joblessness. i’m inferior at best. perfect waste of a man. so, here i sit the week before my 30th birthday, lost & broken. struggling daily with depression, anxiety & self esteem. i remember something an ex said to me: you will never be happy. you will always want more. i think this is an accurate assumption. in every relationship, i’ve become someone other than who i am. the most recent breakup was exceptionally cruel & continue to combat the fallout 6 months later while he is moved on with the person he met while we were together. i fought tooth & nail for him. to a point that one of my best friends & i yelled at each other for two hours on a busy sidewalk downtown. and the bastard proved me wrong. twice. looking back, my friend was right, about it all. i was being controlled on a leash. and what’s worse, i allowed it because i was looking for something to complete me. so i shape-shifted to become someone else, again. only now, after years of dating & getting it wrong, do i see that i have no energy to give to something i don’t feel will be beneficial in the long run – professionally, romantically or personally. i did start to invest in myself last year. and while i thought i was happy (i see now i wasn’t) that was the best decision i’ve ever made. maybe i’m ‘that’ guy that will forever be alone. that friend that will always be the 3rd or 5th wheel. the one that never has a +1. i’d like to believe i’m okay with this. as long as i can prove to myself that i am a good person, that’s all i’d like to think i’ll need. i asked my mom last summer after he dumped me the 1st time how she made it before dad came along. i asked her where her strength came from, wondering if it was something i should’ve inherited but missed the boat on. she said many times she wondered the same. that’s when she turned to god. leaned on her family. she was & is a brave woman. to raise a baby she never wanted to keep, that wasn’t planned, on her own. i had food on the table every night & bed to sleep in. i can’t even do that by myself. dad came along & he helped distribute her load. i asked her once if she was happy. and with a calm look in her eye, she replied ‘yes.’ i would look at my cousins & remember feeling very angry. angry that they had parents that were still together & angry that they had siblings. not step, but real blood siblings. the kind with link. i do not come from a broken home. i come from a home that was being built instead of having it already built by the time i got there. i’ve wondered many times whether my mom did the right thing, not giving me up or having an abortion. i struggle almost daily with this crossing my mind. knowing, technically, i was not a blessing, but a scarlet letter. knowing that i haven’t yet fulfilled my destiny. i can’t imagine i’ve made her, dad, papa, gramma, or anyone proud no matter what they say. 30 years old and i’m no closer to knowing what god has in his plan for me. my picture of the man i need to be is not what i am. and i have no idea what to do to even start that process. maybe reinvesting in my own needs? ignoring the needs of others? bowing to the needs of others? is there a happy medium? i have more questions now than i did when i was 18. apparently i did think i knew it all. i had my life planned out. i would graduate, work for the local ‘goto’ place in harrison. marry a cute girl & have a family. god had something different. he knew i’d realize that soon but he neglected to tell me what to do once he got me to accept how he made me. i’ve managed to surround myself with such love. such support. such passion. yet, i’ve fallen short when it comes to having this love, support & passion within me. everyone around me has a passion. something that drives them. i do not. i can’t even get enough motivation to get out of bed & present a functioning member of society. i’ve contemplated suicide on several occasions. twice, i’ve come severely close. i remember one night, i was going to do it. i had written letters explaining things etc. and as i was driving to the location where i would ‘free’ myself, i got a text from a once-upon-a-time boyfriend. the text said ‘hi.’ and as our conversations always go, it lasted several hours & into the hazy hours of morning and i realized the sun was coming up. this was something i had not planned on seeing.

and time, as it tends to do, marched on. it shouldn’t. when someone who allows you to believe in ‘ever after’ says ‘i never loved you.’ time should stop. immediately. like a bullet to the heart. but it doesn’t. and now i realize i do not need someone or something to complete me. what would be nice to have is someone or something that balances me out. to highlight my strengths & strengthen my weaknesses. and now? how do i become the thing i envision? factus est homo, ut supra? is it possible to succeed your dreams in life? how do you know that what is really calling in your soul is what you should pursue? where do you even begin? is this something that will just be an ‘aha’ moment? the metaphorical light bulb. where’s this switch? i’ve chased the wrong dreams for so long i no longer know whats real.

my heart is still beating. i have breath. this indicates a purpose. pray tell, this purpose. i had hoped getting this out would be enough. so i could quantify, if you will, whats in my head. i expected to see the answer between the letters. some inkling on what i should tackle first. it all seems so daunting. and when the thoughts in my head are screaming so loud that i just want to scream (which is often), where do i go? when it feels like i have fire in my brain & it burns & sears (literally) but no matter what i do, i can’t quiet them. how do i stop wasting my seconds & claim my destiny?

Weltschmerz:Romanticism

Weltschmerz: 1:  mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state; 2:  a mood of sentimental sadness
Romanticism: the quality or state of being impractical or unrealistic : romantic feelings or ideas
I am a romantic. I am not hopeless. I’m a realist. I romanticize different ideals. From buying a new rig to getting that promotion to having more money in my accounts to getting along with my family to having Jagger (the dog) be able to learn tricks & commands in minutes to having the ideal partner by my side. Weltschmerz is what happens when I accidentally begin to live in that world only to realize it’s not real. That’s when I have to fight the urge to crumble under the load of reality. Everyday is a struggle to keep the anxiety & depression at bay. I’m not the only one, I know. Last year I began to take myself & my health seriously. This is also a daily battle but if I take it day by day, it’s easier & less overwhelming. Then I take a look back on the amount of time that’s passed & I see the progress I’ve made. That’s my motivation to not let success scare me back into my bed.
Learning to let go of the toxic, negative influences of your life is a hard thing to do. These usually come in the form of your significant other, family member or friend. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Weltschmerz.
Have you ever had to do this? Break out of an idealistic world you created? What was that world? How did you do it? How are you now?

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Things Get Better

Things I learned in 2014:

  • I’m stronger than I was a year ago
  • I know what I’m worth & won’t compromise
  • I’m building an empire
  • I’m okay with being single
  • I can pay off a car
  • I can move out on my own after years of having to get back on my feet
  • I can keep a dog alive
  • I can house train said dog
  • I won’t murder said dog for eating 2 pair of flipflops, 3 ball caps, strand of Christmas lights, a glass ornament & a couch
  • I’ve become more adventurous in the bedroom
  • I can motivate myself to actually go to the gym AND see results, slow as they may be
  • I can climb the corporate ladder

After years of digging out of the hole I put myself in, I realize I have succeeded in growing. This is great news. I used to think life would never get better. But it does. The best is yet to come.

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